Family Life – Page 2

5 Rules of Listening for When We Don’t Like What We Hear

1 Comment / forbearance, grandparenting, Maturity, Trials / By teri / August 23, 2022 June 4, 2022 / gracious listener, listening, receiving critisism, taking advice

What?!

My daughter’s new boyfriend decided to T.P. our house. We chuckled at his display of affection, but my teenage daughter’s amusement turned to groans as I delegated the clean-up to her. I suggested she recruit the culprit for help.

It helps to think of unwanted advice and criticism as verbal toilet papering. Well-meaning people toss these words our way to show they care. Unfortunately, we’re more inclined to dodge their comments as if they were sticks and stones. While pranksters squander yards of toilet paper, words are only wasted when they fall on deaf ears.

“The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.” Proverbs 15:31 – 32. Intelligent people consider even unsolicited advice and warnings.

Rule 1. Listen! Instead of deflecting and rejecting unpleasant counsel, let’s hear and understand. Invite the person into the conversation, like I told my daughter to ask her boyfriend to help her clean up. Take time to understand what the other person meant. Sometimes we misinterpret things. What we heard may not be what they said. Even if we find someone’s advice not applicable to our present situation, we may find it helpful in the future. Listening and learning are marks of wisdom.

Rule 2. Listen in Love! “Owe no one anything except to love one another,” Romans 13:8. When someone comes to us with unwanted words (notice I said when not if because it will happen), we owe it to them to treat them in love. “Love is patient, kind, …is not provoked, thinks no evil,…bears all things” (1Corinthians 13:4,5,7), such as hurtful words and annoying advice. How do we want to be received when we share our thoughts with another? Jesus expects us to receive comments from others the way we want our words received.

Rule 3. Listen with Gratitude! “Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” Proverbs 27: 5, 6. With friends like that, who needs enemies, right? Wrong! Enemies don’t care. Enemies won’t bother with you. They want to see us fail. The rest of Proverbs 27:6 says, “But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” People who tell us we’re fine when we’re not or have an idea how to remedy our problem but don’t tell us are not helpful. Wouldn’t you rather have someone try to help and fail than fail even to try? Be thankful for people who care enough to say something, even if it is the wrong thing.

Rule 4. Listen in Humility! I touched on this in the first rule, but it bears deeper consideration. “Hurt does not equal harm” (source unknown). As we read in Proverb 27, wounds from a friend are faithful, not fatal. I know that when my feelings are hurt, it’s usually because my pride is injured. When my feathers get ruffled, I need to pluck them off.

The adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” was taught to children so that they would learn that being hurt by words is a choice. We can choose not to take offense. We can choose to disregard insults. We can choose to overlook a person’s clumsy attempts to be helpful. But these choices require humility.

Truth spoken in love can hurt. Being told we’re wrong hurts, but pain that prompts us to repent promotes healing. “Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God… gives grace to the humble.” 1Peter 5:5

Rule 5. Listen as a Steward! What do we do with these unpleasant words? We own them for God’s glory. Let’s pray through unwanted words and ask God to show us if there’s any truth in them. Digesting unwanted words in prayer is a lot like eating chicken. Thank God for His provision, then chew the meat and spit out the bones. Like poultry feeds our bodies, listening prayerfully to unwanted counsel will nourish our souls. It may be that the person who spoke to us is God’s messenger, after all.

The Testimony of Sacred Similarities and Divine Differences

celebrations, Community, Faith, Family Life, Knowing God, Maturity / By teri / August 9, 2022 April 21, 2022 / antiracism, Beautiful Community, Junetheenth, sinful white supremacy, superiority sins

Aspiring to Beautiful Community

Happy Juneteenth!

Comparisons spill out when we welcome a new family member. “Look, she has her mama’s eyes.” “I see her daddy’s dimpled cheeks.” “She has Aunt Jenny’s red hair.” We search those precious newborns for family resemblance. We. Just. Do.

Last year my oldest daughter gave birth to her fifth; my youngest daughter welcomed her first. Yeah! Two new grandbabies for me! The babies were born three weeks apart. Both baby girls weighed the same. Dark hair covered both heads, and both babies have a raspberry birthmark on their backsides (not the same spot but the same size). I call them identical cousins, but they aren’t.

They differ in several ways: eye color, activity level, even their reaction to a dirty diaper. God wove these similarities and differences into my granddaughters just as He does the whole human family.

Back in the ‘90s, I watched Arsenio Hall’s T.V. show. His facial expressions and jawline mesmerized me because these features reminded me of a friend from high school. Yet, Arsenio is African-American, and my friend descended from Irish stock. Despite their contrasting hair and skin tones, their similar facial features reveal their connection. Physical similarities that ignore geopolitical boundaries confirm our sacred union as one human family. We all bleed red. We all need love. We all descended from Adam.

God creates each of us in His image. Reflecting His multi-faceted majesty requires infinite diversity; hence, human diversity is divine. God diversified languages to force people to populate the whole world.

God’s judgment at Babel drove people to migrate across the globe (Genesis 11). Different weather conditions and food supplies began to shape different cultures. Adaptation transformed the physical features of people in varying regions. Unfortunately, humanity is a sinful race.

We constructed class and racial systems to claim superiority and oppress other people groups. We deny the truth with these false contrivances; God created all people in His image. The grievous sins of classism, racism and ethnic supremacy grieve God. Jesus calls us out of that darkness.

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:38

In the proceeding passage, Paul acknowledges our differences and establishes our value. No one is less than human in Jesus’s eyes.

As followers of Christ, we witness God drawing people from every tribe, tongue, and nation. But do we embrace the diversity of those cultures? Pastor Irwyn L. Ince Jr. shows us how it’s done in his brilliant book The Beautiful Community.

I traveled through Ethiopia, visiting churches. A remarkable transformation in their worship occurred when a Marxist regime expelled foreign missionaries in the ‘70s. Without the influence of westerners, the Ethiopian churches cultivated their own style of worship.

I enjoyed listening to drums and the lilting of women praising God. The women often keep time with the music by stomping their feet and rocking their hands back and forth as though they held precious truths. I felt compelled with joy to join in the lilting during one service. Dark, smiling faces turned toward me. They had never heard a white woman lilt, but they seemed pleased that I did. By embracing their form of worship, I embraced them. With their smiles, they welcomed me.

“In order to be in community, we have to experience belonging, a sense of being at home.” Irwyn L. Ince Jr. The beautiful Community (page 84). My Ethiopian brothers and sisters made me feel at home.

How well do we welcome minorities in our local churches? “It is the church’s job to find ways to affirm the full humanity–the royal dignity–of all people, especially those others are inclined to despise.” (Irwyn L. Ince Jr.). Let’s be mindful to include, rather than ignore, minorities in our midst. We need to be mindful of what Pastor Ince calls “minority fatigue.” Let’s love minorities by extending hospitality; let’s show interest in them by asking about their culture. By reaching out, we set the stage for a beautiful community—a foretaste of Christ’s coming Kingdom.

How to Raise a Friend

Community, Family Life, friendship, Motherhood / By teri / July 26, 2022 June 4, 2022 / daughters, friendship with children, mother daughter relationship, National Friendship Day

The National Friendship Day 2022 is on August 7th

My heart aches for moms and daughters who are estranged. How can I help prevent this? What encouragement can I share with young moms so they will enjoy friendships with their children when they’re grown? I decided to ask the experts: three of my closest friends who happen to be my daughters. “What did I do as a parent that paved the way for the close relationships we enjoy today?”

Know the Goal

Anna, my youngest daughter (she’s a new mom), responded first. “When we were adolescents, you told us that you were raising adults, not children.”

Young mom, begin with the end in mind.

Our job is to work ourselves out of a job. We must prepare our offspring to become responsible adults. Grownups should get up and go to work—on their own—understand how to manage money, be good citizens, and someday good parents for our grandchildren.

As moms of infants and toddlers, we spend so much time keeping them close, not letting them out of our sight. It’s easy to forget that, at some point, we need to let them run ahead without us. Hovering too close, like a helicopter, whips a lot of wind. That force either pushes children away or beats them down. Moms, let’s give them the space and lift they need to launch.

Teach children to do things for themselves. One of my favorite mom moments was a phone call from daughter number two at the end of her first year of college. “Mom, I’m so glad you made me learn to do things for myself! I’ve spent all week helping girls who have no clue how to do anything for themselves.” The college she chose was 3,000 miles from home. Before she left, I walked Jenni through making plane reservations and helped her decide what to bring and how to pack everything. She already knew how to navigate an airport. When we flew together as a family, I’d point out how to read arrival and departure boards. Our job is to teach them to leave.

Anna also said, “You gave us bumpers and a wide lane.” Godly parents set boundaries that leave room for children to fail. Choices have consequences. If we create a narrow rut by always choosing for them, children won’t learn how to choose. They need a wide lane.

Boundaries serve to keep children from fatal harm, not failure. Let your kid forget their coat or shoes once in a while. I know a mom who made her forgetful, barefoot child use his allowance to buy flip-flops instead of a new toy. Failure is not an enemy; failure is a teacher.

Insulating children from the consequences of their choices disables them. Children need boundaries enforced, and enforcers are rarely popular. Let your kids take a low or failing grade on an exam. Let them forget to do a chore. Instead of nagging, let them feel the sting of laziness as they hit the bumper of working to bring that grade up or lose a privilege. Bumpers keep kids out of the gutters. My friend used to say, “I spank my kids so society doesn’t have to.” Sometimes you have to be the joy-killer to be a good parent. Raising happy children may be the world’s goal, but it’s not the goal of godly parents.

“I hate you!” screamed each of my children more than once. I’d always reply, “I still love you, and you still need to obey.” When my children balked at consequences, I reminded them, “The goal of all discipline is self-discipline. If you don’t want (fill in the blank: time out, a spanking, grounding), then don’t disobey.”

If you want your children to be your friends as adults, quit trying to be their best buddy before they grow up. Parent your children while they’re young, so they can grow into adults who choose to be your friends. Keep in mind that a vital part of this is being present for your children.

Be Present and Available

More important than being popular with your kids is being present. My oldest daughter, Rachel, said, “You were always around and willing to hang out.” You can’t develop a relationship with someone if you don’t spend time with them. Hurry consumes far too much family time. We rush our kids from one activity to another, packing the calendar with events and obligations. As a result of providing opportunities—some for them, some for us—we crowd out room to rest, to just be together.

Doing nothing is essential; God ordained Sabbath.

It refreshes our patience with our children. We can welcome their interruptions and invite them into our work, so they’re learning new skills.

A neighborhood girl was a frequent visitor to our home. One day as she helped me garden, she said, “My mom’s always on the computer. I’m glad you let me come be with you.” Being present for my children made me available to other kids in my neighborhood. Oh, young mamas, please come home if you can. Our communities are falling apart without adult supervision. Your children will grow and go. Many. Meaningful. Moments. It’s the 3M tape that sticks hearts together.

Be Interested in Who They Are

It’s hard to like someone who isn’t interested in you. When I held my first baby, I wondered, “Who is this little person?” I studied each child the Lord entrusted to my care. That pursuit paid off. My middle daughter, Jenni, said, “You took interest and gave constructive criticism to my artistic pursuits.”

I also noticed the first time Jenni counted blocks at six months old. Before she knew the names of the numbers, Jenni knew precisely how many blocks the four-year-old had stolen off her walker tray. She hollered until the thief restored all four blocks. After earning a bachelor’s in accounting, Jenni became a lawyer. Today, she’s a major law firm partner, wheeling and dealing big money. Art provides her with relaxation. We love strolling art museums together.

I also spent hours reading to daughter number one, the bookworm. Today Rachel’s a present homeschool mom providing classical education for her five children. She and I both write. We exchange books and discuss what we’re learning together.

I cheered from the sidelines, encouraging my youngest, Anna, the athlete, to climb higher, run faster, and flip further. The daughter who appreciated my “wide lanes and bumpers” serves as a State Trooper.

Anna entered the academy, meeting the male fitness requirements! We love taking walks when we’re together. Lately, we visit a lot on FaceTime, discussing the challenges of a new baby.

These women are my heroes. I never imposed my dreams on them. I let my daughters be dreamers. Together we discovered who God intended them to be. And I’m very thankful they each choose to be my friend.

Three Ways to Love in the Fourth-Dimension

Community, Faith, Family Life, Knowing God, Maturity, prayer / By teri / February 8, 2022 December 14, 2021 / Love

For God so Loved!

Sparkling, paper hearts sprang up as I opened a Valentine. Pop-up cards delight me. I love to shop for them, make them, and send them to my friends and family. These whimsical treasures express a three-D love in a material world. Yet, pop-ups hint at the kind of love the apostle Paul describes in Ephesians, “that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge.” (Ephesians 3:17b-19a). Four dimensions! The cover of a pop-up card hides a central aspect of the message. Today I want to open up a hidden face of love—the unseen work it does for others.

The Bible opens our understanding of the unseen ways Jesus loves us right now, today. Here are three demonstrations of Christ loving us in the fourth dimension.

Offensively

In the book of Romans chapter eight, Paul explains that Christ sits at the right hand of God and intercedes for us. Jesus prays for us! He sees our hearts, our struggles, the ways Satan tries to block our goal of Christ-likeness. Then He lifts His hands to the Father, showing His the scars that ensure our victory.

So, what does our prayer life reveal about our love? Do we intercede for others? Are we mindful of their struggles, circumstances, and needs? I fear too often our prayers tend to be selfish, focused on what affects us. How often do we pray for the homeless we pass on the streets or our brothers and sisters who face severe persecution for their faith? Do we pray for our enemies? The Lord expects us to (Matthew 5:44)

Defensively

The book of Job provides a peek into the battle going on around us, exposing Satan’s ugly heart as he maligns both God’s and Job’s character (Job 1:9-11). To this day, the vile, jealous creature constantly accuses God’s saints (Revelation 12:10; “day and night,” according to this passage. But God (two of my favorite words in the Bible) preserves His saints. He defends our righteous standing before Him. The dignity He bestowed on us by grace can never be defamed. The world slings mud at us in vain.

If God so loves us when we aren’t looking, how well do we love one another? My favorite line from the song They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love” states, “We will guard each one’s dignity and save each one’s pride.” Do we? Or do we have dirty hands from belittling others behind their backs?

Immensely

In the first scene of Job, we also hear God brag about His “servant Job.” Did you know God brags about His children.? What good parent doesn’t? The apostle John sums it up well, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” 3 John 1:14. If it makes John happy, how much greater must our Abba’s joy be.

Do we brag about the good things other people do? I tend to brag about my accomplishments. I bait the hook, fishing for praise. I’m working on practicing the wisdom of, “Let another man praise you, and not your own mouth, “ Proverbs 27:2. Next time we’re tempted to show off, let’s secretly love another and talk about the beauty they bring to the world.

The most significant love test is anonymity; how do I love when no one looks? Yet, if we only love by unseen methods, we love one-dimensionally—flatter than flat. All dimensions need to be present, our words, our actions, our presence, along with our anonymous contributions to the wellbeing of others. All four-dimension complete a perfect love.

I want to celebrate this Valentine’s Day, not just in tangible ways, but by committing to loving others offensively, defensively, and immensely behind their backs. Will you join me in displaying the fourth dimension of God’s great love for us?

Back to School: Important Lessons About Need and Want.

Family Life / By teri / August 24, 2021 August 12, 2021 / back-to-school, generosity, need vs. want

It’s elementary!

The U.S. Sun reports parents will spend a jaw-dropping $843 per child on back-to-school purchases in 2021. Twenty years ago, when my children were in school, the average hovered at $527. This year’s projection exceeds the inflation rate by almost $35. Thirty percent of families incur debt to pay for their kids to go back to school.

“The borrower is the slave of the lender.” Proverbs 22:7b

Please, avoid this unnecessary slavery. Trust me, if these figures revealed necessity (instead of excess), every retailer in America would go out of business. The back-to-school season provides rich soil to grow in our understanding of needs and wants.

I remember long supply lists, shopping crowded sales floors for the annual bargains, and children begging for the coolest and best. The couple years I spent homeschooling also posed a challenging back-to-school ritual: ordering curriculum, lesson planning, and still braving frenzied crowds for cheap (while they lasted) school supplies.

Gazing even further through the haze of back-to-school days, I remember the thrill of new clothes and the excitement of picking the grooviest outfit to wear on my first day. A fresh box of crayons thrilled my elementary soul and holding sharp, new pencils with erasers (my stubs of usable graphite always lasted longer than the coveted pink rubber end). How wonderful!

My mom worked to escape the poverty of her youth. As a former have not, she made sure I had it all. I wanted for nothing. And still, I wanted more. I’m not the only coveter. Coveting—the desire to acquire—defines American culture (hence, our national debt).

Most U. S. children expect to show up on that first day of class wearing new stylish clothes, with a new backpack filled with new supplies slung over their shoulder. And U.S. parents happily accept the challenge of fulfilling those expectations by expecting a large credit card bill in September. That’s how I grew up. But Jesus saved me from these ridiculous expectations. So that’s not how I raised my children.

When the back-to-school season came around, we gathered the backpacks and inspected them for wear. If they were still useable, with no torn seams or gaping holes, then my children would show up with old gear on the first day—and every day after until need arose. We reused scissors and any other supplies that didn’t need replacing. I think my children only got about two pairs of scissors during their education; a blunt tip when they were young and a sharp pair when they grew responsible, and some probably got hand-me-down scissors.

We evaluated wardrobes too. I allowed the purchase of one new outfit before school to wear the first day, not a need but a privilege we could afford (without debt)—and I stressed to them it was a privilege. Even if my kids needed more clothes, I made my kids wait until they saw what their friends wore. This practice spared buyers remorse like my husband experienced in seventh grade. While school shopping, his mom asked if he wanted black or white socks. “I don’t know, white, I guess.”

His choice proved devastating when every other boy in his class returned to school with black socks. He complained. Kudos to my mother-in-law! She made him live with his choice. And he learned to survive peer pressure.

I avoided those tragic (for children) experiences and annoying (for me) complaints by letting them check out the fashion scene before shopping for new clothing.

By the time my kids hit junior high, I allotted them a reasonable budget based on the cost of the necessary merchandise and what our family could afford. I stressed fair isn’t always equal. If one child needed new everything and another required only a few, guess who received less to spend. Kids need suitable lessons on sound economics more than they need new stuff. So, do I, for that matter.

Today I find myself in a back-to-school season. My Teacher, Jesus, reminds me that I am only a steward of the allowance God provides for me. The abundance of my income isn’t for my pursuit of pleasure or new shiny treasure.

“She who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives,” 1Timothy 5:6.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dying—buried under the burden of stuff. Decluttering, organizing, trying to find things—these all consume too much of my time and rob my peace. Can you relate?

“But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.” 1 Timothy 6:6-8

God expects His children with extra to share with those who lack. How and with whom should I be more generous? The Father puts family first. We start by sharing with those in church. Then we give to the poor of the world.
“But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?” 1 John 3:17

It’s easy to overlook the poor in America. My neighbors appear to live as well as me. Lord, you’ve given me more than I need, thank You. Who needs my excess? Where are the poor? Please open my eyes, Jesus; take me back to school.

Gaining a Grand Perspective: Three Questions I’m learning to ask myself

Faith, Family Life, grandparenting, Maturity, Motherhood, Trials / By teri / July 13, 2021 July 29, 2021 / death, expectations, gratitude, Premature birth, time management

Me and My Mini-Me

On Wednesday, July 13, 2011 (ten years ago today), a wee little girl came into the world thirteen weeks too soon. My first grandbaby nudged the scale needle to one pound fifteen ounces. She measured an inch taller than a Barbie doll—a mere13inches.

Agonizing suspense filled the months following her birth as she struggled to survive. The fragility and resilience of life amaze me even more now than then.

Today my first grandchild celebrates her birthday ten years later—strong, healthy, and average in size. You’d never know she started so small. She now enjoys the company of three siblings, and another baby should arrive in November—bringing the total number of children in that household to five.

So far, of my four grown children, only the oldest has kids. But that changes this year; her younger sister expects her first in December. Now, soon to be a grandmother of six with ten years of grandparenting under my belt, I reflect on how this decade shaped my perspectives.

Gaining Insight to Unfading Beauty

The news of my daughter expecting provoked me to reflect on my first memories of my grandmothers. As a child, I thought these women looked old (both were only forty-five when I came into the world). I realized for the first time that another person would see me as an older woman. My grandchildren would only know me with smile lines and silver strands running through my mane.

Only one of my grandmother’s lived long enough to see her great-great-grandchild’s entrance into the world. At the age of three, my granddaughter attended my grandmother’s 100^th birthday. I remembered my impressions of my great-grandmothers. They looked ancient. But even though my grandma was now great twice—she looked grand to me.

From my perspective, Grandma appeared more joyful, more loving, more delighted in life than she’d ever been. Yes, she had more wrinkles, and her salt and pepper hair now sparkled like fresh snow. Yet, her love for people and life transformed my understanding of old. Time forges a timeless beauty in those who choose to love and live well to the end.

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Which mirror do I spend the most time in, the Bible or the bathroom?

Grasping the Elusiveness of Time

Do you remember turning ten? I remember the wonder of seeing that second digit when I wrote my age. I sensed new liberty—the freedom of being a big kid. I also remember each of my children turning ten.

When my first child turned ten, it felt like a milestone in mothering. When my last child turned ten, it struck me that an era just ended. No longer would babies and preschoolers populate my home (unless the Lord intervened and He did not).

Now my granddaughter joins the double-digit club; I realize decades feel more like days at this point in my life. My promotion from grandma to great-grandma (should the good Lord grant me that privilege) may be as close as a decade away.

When a baby turns one, a year equals one hundred percent of their life. At age ten, twelve months represent ten percent of that life span. When a person reaches sixty (as I have), a year diminishes to less than two percent of your life. Time grows shorter as we grow grand.

In this past decade, both a friend and I had heart attacks. He was four years my junior. Yet, he died. I survived. God determines the number of our days, and no one but God knows how many we will have. Let’s utilize the present well and learn to embrace the time God grants as a gift.

“So, teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Moses, Psalm 90:12

What’s happening right now, and how can I maximize this very moment?

Taking Nothing For Granted

Before my nest emptied, I took my children’s active presence for granted; after all, we lived together. Often in that busy window of my life, I felt overwhelmed. I just wanted a little me space. Now I have lots. My strong fledglings flew far.

Today they’re scattered from sea to shining sea; one lives close to the Atlantic, another on the Gulf of Mexico, daughter number three in the Pacific Northwest, then Uncle Sam took my one and only son to Gaum. Gathering this far-flung clan takes an act of Providence. Even our best attempts to plan fail at times, like Christmas 2020 when covid prevented our reunion.

My children enjoy visiting with us and each other, and we with them. My daughter and her husband go out of their way to make sure their kids develop a relationship with us. I no longer take their company for granted. It’s a precious, precarious blessing I enjoy.

I’ve lived long enough to know not every family enjoys such relationships. I know casualties of family feuds. I’ve shed tears with women estranged from their offspring, forbidden time with their grandchildren. These women loved God. They loved their families. What happened? Only the Almighty knows.

I’ve seen parents outlive children. We live in a broken world. At my age, I see expectations often result in disappointment. However, flexpectaions free me to enjoy what God grants—even when it’s not what I’d hoped for—like a covid Christmas.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

What is my response when life doesn’t go as I planned?

Becuase, it often doesn’t.

Young mamas, savor these busy days. Moments evaporate into memories faster than most women forget labor pains.

The Empty Nest, A New Adolescence

Faith, Family Life, Maturity, Motherhood / By teri / June 29, 2021 August 9, 2021 / empty-nest, goals, graduation

Let the WONDER YEARS begin!

Attention moms of all ages: fledglings fly away. God designed it that way. The first high schooler to graduate in a family takes a mama by surprise. Any empty-nest mom can attest to the reality that her children grew and flew in the blink of an eye.

It seems we finish getting our offspring through their teenage years, and we find ourselves in quiet houses with empty bedrooms. Then we discover a strange irony, on the heels of their adolescence, we find ourselves in the second season of adjustments that feels eerily familiar.

Adolescence is fraught with as much anxiety. I have yet to meet an adult who wants to relive that period of life. Yet, middle-age is much like a second adolescence—a time grown-ups must, again, grow up. My twenties felt like the infancy of adulthood. Then the thirties and forties passed like the golden years of childhood—a delightful busy season. However, once your hit fifty or sixty, parenting demands slow way down, and the physical changes of menopause assault our bodies.

Winkles replace pimples. The wiry, silver strands of hair bring back bad hair day memories from junior high. Now we have a new mane to tame. In our first puberty, we experienced the new sensations of sexual maturity. But in menopause, many women struggle with enjoying sex at all. The friction of intercourse inflicts discomfort on drying vaginal tissue, growing pains, not of a maturing body, but of a deteriorating body.

Then, as if the physical challenges aren’t enough, there’s the uncertainty of what do we do now that kids aren’t consuming all our [tg1] time? Believe it or not, this is the upside of adolescence—the wonder years as an 80’s television show describes it (this series followed three friends through junior high into high school). During pubescence, children, on the verge of adulthood, brim with potential. They dream great dreams. Every aspect of personal responsibility and independence appears like the promised land of freedom. Every new sensation thrills their maturing bodies and awaking sensuality. Every emotion intensifies—just like in menopause.

So, what’s a woman to do in this second season of wonder years? Dream again. Many people achieve their most significant accomplishments in their last years. That gives me hope. I can do more, be better, and accomplish good things. As long as I’m living, God has a plan for me—good works to do. As long as I abide in the Vine, I can be productive, fruitful. So, let the wonder years commence.

The greatest wonder of all—the upside of adolescence—it ends with a new maturity. I need that perspective. When I finish growing up this time, I’ll be complete. God will be finished with me, and I’ll never have to go or grow through adolescence again.

“So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

If you’re a young woman, what dreams do you have for the end of your life (dream big)?

If you’re my age and find yourself struggling through your second adolescence, what good work does God want you to be pursuing?

If you’re in an earlier stage of life, start jotting down ideas of things you could accomplish if you had more free time because the time is coming. Blessed is the woman who lives her life in phases and enjoys each one.

A Mama’s Empty Arms: When Mother’s Day Hurts

Family Life, Motherhood / By teri / May 4, 2021 July 29, 2021 / death of a child, miscarriage, Mother's Day, stillbirth

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I pleaded as I sat on my toilet, “Please, please, God, let me keep this one. I can’t bear to lose this baby too!” (Nine months before, my first child was stillborn).

His Spirit whispered, “My grace is sufficient.”

In rebellion, I yelled, “I don’t want your grace! I want a baby!”

Thirty years later, I watched in horror as my daughter came close to bleeding to death during a miscarriage. I knew her pain but compounding that was the threat of losing yet another child of my own.

On Mother’s Day, my heart goes out to all the moms who bear the weight of empty arms. For women who long for a child—no burden compares to this heaviness. I think of my young friend who wears a bracelet of birthstone charms signifying the miscarriages of her upheld babies. I weep with a sister in Christ who buried her ten-year–old after losing the fight with a long illness. Two older friends come to mind as they grieve for their sons, lost to suicide. Finally, I consider so many women who desire children but are unable to conceive. Yes, you too belong to the Mamas with Empty Arms Club.

It’s not a group we joined on purpose. Yet, for reasons unknown to us, God allows us admission. And despite the horrible circumstances, we find ourselves in good company. Hannah, an ancient Hebrew woman, felt this weight. “the Lord had closed her womb.” 1 Samuel 1:5. Rachel screamed in desperation to her husband, “Give me children, or else I die!”

Jacob responded, ^“Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?” Genesis 30:1-2. The Bible confronts us with the harsh reality that God opens and closes our wombs. Scripture defines Him as the Lord of life. During her grief, a woman can wonder, ”Does God even care?”

He does. “He grants the barren woman a home, Like a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!” If a deep maternal instinct drives you, God will provide some for you to love and nurture. If you grieve the loss of a child, your heavenly Father knows your pain. He watched His son die too.

Hannah and many other women in Scripture remind us, even in our bareness, God loves us. He counts us worthy of His care and companionship. Despite my screams at His gentle reminder—when I rejected His grace—God never abandoned me. He tenderly led me back to His presence, to worship.

We need to remember Hannah’s example of dealing with her empty arms. She threw herself boldly at God’s mercy seat to find help in her time of need. Unfortunately, others misunderstood her—but not God. I encourage you to read her story in 1Samuel, chapter one.

Hannah reminds us our children belong to the Lord, not us. Therefore, we must offer up our empty arms for His glory and trust Him to be our comforter. And we must remember our tears so that we can weep with those who mourn, as I grieve with you today (2 Corinthians 1:4; Romans 12:15b). May the Lord hold you close when Mother’s Day hurts.