Motherhood

Expensive Reminders

1 Comment / Community, Family Life, forbearance, forgiveness, friendship, humility, Marriage, Motherhood, patience, repentance / By / July 11, 2023 / , , ,

Don’t Force It!

I yanked the hose hard. I heard a thud mixed with the tinkling sound of shattered porcelain. I went and looked; sure enough, I had knocked down the side table my Bible, journal, glasses, and tea mug sat on. My heart sank as I picked up the pieces of the broken masterpiece. This mug was part of a set of four Claude Monet cups my daughter had given me for Christmas—a treasured gift. This one had been my favorite, Woman with Parasol. It reminded me of my great-grandmother Burton.

How many times did I hear my mom and dad caution me, “Don’t force it, Teri; you’ll break it?” How often have I given that same advice to my children and husband? If I had a penny for each time, I bet I could buy a replacement mug or a whole new set. Holding the fractured portrait in my hand reminded me people are fragile too. We can’t force them to be who they aren’t. We can’t force them to understand us or meet our expectations. When we do, the results hurt more than losing a mug.

Just yesterday, I yanked my husband too hard. I felt fragile and in need of empathy. I thought I had made myself clear. I’d been feeling this way on and off for two weeks, but yesterday—his day off—I expected some undivided attention. I waited until we went for lunch. He commented he was stuffy. I knew that. I even suspected he had a cold, not just allergies like he thought. Yet, I persisted to let him know how I felt. He didn’t get it. Most of us have trouble understanding when our heads are stuffy. He kept missing ques, and I got angry. At one point, I called him a bonehead. There’s no excuse for name-calling, even if it is descriptive. We worked through the tension. I confessed my unrighteous anger; he confessed his insensitivity. This conflict isn’t our first rodeo in forty years; we’ll keep working through our boneheaded moments because that’s what love does.

With patience and persistence, we can grow in understanding others, and they grow in understanding us. Faithful friends don’t dash our expectations on purpose. My dad used to tell my mom when he failed her expectations, “I fail telepathy.” Few are telepaths that can read minds. Most of us need clear articulation and repeated patient instruction.

If I had only gone back and checked to see what the hang-up with the hose was, I would not have shattered a mug. Today if we’re struggling in a relationship, let’s quit yanking others around to get us. Let’s treat them like Bone China not boneheads. Let’s go back to trying to understand them and gently explaining what we want from them. Let’s take these reminders from Scripture to heart today:

“A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.” Proverbs 18:2

“He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.” Proverbs 18:13

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man (and woman) does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

Hunting for the Best Gifts: 21 gift ideas for the person Who has everything

celebrations, Community, Family Life, Motherhood / By / April 30, 2022 / , , , ,

Will she like that?

I watched my grandma snatch the blouse from my mom’s hands and head straight to the cash register (Grandma was in her nineties and my mom in her seventies when I witnessed this incident). She had seen my mom admire it and try it on. It looked lovely, and Grandma knew Mom would buy it. So, she beat her to it, securing a perfect gift.

We moms never outgrow wanting to lavish our children with gifts. As we enter the thick of the gift-giving season, many of us struggle with the dilemma of procuring the perfect gifts for those we love. Shopping for parents baffles us, especially if they’re downsizing. Those who have adult children with good-paying jobs find themselves in the same dilemma; what we can give that they haven’t already purchased for themselves. What do we get those that already have all they want or need?

Everyone (but God) Needs Something

Most of us feel like we’re drowning in stuff, but our spirits are thirsty. Our parched souls crave quality time with those we love. Maybe a cleared space on our calendar would be a perfect gift? The world mocks and slanders us. Maybe some encouraging words are what we need to give.

God gives us richly all things to enjoy (1 Timothy 6:17), but much of what He provides is not material. He gives strength, hope, and a listening ear. We, too, can furnish these perfect gifts. To help my children, I’m submitting my wish list.

Twenty-one Things My Children Could Give me this Christmas

I want to open my door and find you there.

2. Open a letter and hear your voice inscribed on a piece of paper I won’t throw away.

3. I need your acts of kindness like cooking and cleaning when my house is full of people.

4. Oh, and how I need your forgiveness when I let anxiety get the better of me and the stress monster bites you with mean words.

5. I want to listen to your jokes and laugh with you (even if we’re both laughing at me).

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6. I would enjoy you brushing my hair as we watch all the activities around us.

7. I would appreciate less stuff when you leave. Ask for things you could use or want to display or wear. I’d prefer you take these things when they serve you well rather than burden you after I’m gone.

8. I would love to take a walk with you, just the two of us taking a leisurely stroll.

9. I enjoy adventures, going places we’ve never seen before.

10. Experiences make delightful gifts! Concerts, museums, shows, even a project we can do together.11.

11. I want my stocking stuffed with I love you notes instead of trinkets that waste away.

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12. I need honest words that confront my sin and invite me to be better.

13. Texts throughout the year, please tell me what’s new with you.

14. Pictures of you and your children always make me smile (digital is fine).

15. Consumable presents like things you bake or a meal you make would be divine.

16. Love and discipline your children well for me, gifting me with grandkids that know right from wrong.

17. I delight to see your growth in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. Share your testimonies of God’s faithfulness with me. Share what you discover as you read the Bible.

18. Gift me with a song. Sing with me, grace me with a performance (one year my oldest taught her children my favorite Christmas carol, a gift I’ll never forget!) or send me a music video you think I’d like.

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19. Reminisce with me. Share your favorite memories of childhood. You could even write it out (again, a paper I won’t throw away).

20. Teach me something new like a recipe or helpful technology tip.

21. Pray for me, asks about my needs, and trust the perfect Gift Giver to provide what you cannot.

Giving the Perfect Gifts

In light of what I desire, I realize my friends and family may need these too. Maybe I need to buy less and sacrifice more. The best gifts require time and effort both tend to be more costly than the money we budget for material things. The best gifts nourish us. The best gifts make us better. The best gifts never lose their value or wear out. May God show us how to give lasting treasure the kind moth and rust does not corrupt, and thieves can never steal.

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How to Raise a Friend

Community, Family Life, friendship, Motherhood / By / June 4, 2022 / , , ,
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The National Friendship Day 2022 is on August 7th

My heart aches for moms and daughters who are estranged. How can I help prevent this? What encouragement can I share with young moms so they will enjoy friendships with their children when they’re grown? I decided to ask the experts: three of my closest friends who happen to be my daughters. “What did I do as a parent that paved the way for the close relationships we enjoy today?”

Know the Goal

Anna, my youngest daughter (she’s a new mom), responded first. “When we were adolescents, you told us that you were raising adults, not children.”

Young mom, begin with the end in mind.

Our job is to work ourselves out of a job. We must prepare our offspring to become responsible adults. Grownups should get up and go to work—on their own—understand how to manage money, be good citizens, and someday good parents for our grandchildren.

As moms of infants and toddlers, we spend so much time keeping them close, not letting them out of our sight. It’s easy to forget that, at some point, we need to let them run ahead without us. Hovering too close, like a helicopter, whips a lot of wind. That force either pushes children away or beats them down. Moms, let’s give them the space and lift they need to launch.

 Teach children to do things for themselves. One of my favorite mom moments was a phone call from daughter number two at the end of her first year of college. “Mom, I’m so glad you made me learn to do things for myself! I’ve spent all week helping girls who have no clue how to do anything for themselves.” The college she chose was 3,000 miles from home. Before she left, I walked Jenni through making plane reservations and helped her decide what to bring and how to pack everything. She already knew how to navigate an airport. When we flew together as a family, I’d point out how to read arrival and departure boards. Our job is to teach them to leave.

Anna also said, “You gave us bumpers and a wide lane.” Godly parents set boundaries that leave room for children to fail. Choices have consequences. If we create a narrow rut by always choosing for them, children won’t learn how to choose. They need a wide lane.

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Boundaries serve to keep children from fatal harm, not failure. Let your kid forget their coat or shoes once in a while. I know a mom who made her forgetful, barefoot child use his allowance to buy flip-flops instead of a new toy. Failure is not an enemy; failure is a teacher.

Insulating children from the consequences of their choices disables them. Children need boundaries enforced, and enforcers are rarely popular. Let your kids take a low or failing grade on an exam. Let them forget to do a chore. Instead of nagging, let them feel the sting of laziness as they hit the bumper of working to bring that grade up or lose a privilege. Bumpers keep kids out of the gutters. My friend used to say, “I spank my kids so society doesn’t have to.” Sometimes you have to be the joy-killer to be a good parent. Raising happy children may be the world’s goal, but it’s not the goal of godly parents.

“I hate you!” screamed each of my children more than once. I’d always reply, “I still love you, and you still need to obey.” When my children balked at consequences, I reminded them, “The goal of all discipline is self-discipline. If you don’t want (fill in the blank: time out, a spanking, grounding), then don’t disobey.”

If you want your children to be your friends as adults, quit trying to be their best buddy before they grow up. Parent your children while they’re young, so they can grow into adults who choose to be your friends. Keep in mind that a vital part of this is being present for your children.

Be Present and Available

More important than being popular with your kids is being present. My oldest daughter, Rachel, said, “You were always around and willing to hang out.” You can’t develop a relationship with someone if you don’t spend time with them. Hurry consumes far too much family time. We rush our kids from one activity to another, packing the calendar with events and obligations. As a result of providing opportunities—some for them, some for us—we crowd out room to rest, to just be together.

Doing nothing is essential; God ordained Sabbath.

It refreshes our patience with our children. We can welcome their interruptions and invite them into our work, so they’re learning new skills.

A neighborhood girl was a frequent visitor to our home. One day as she helped me garden, she said, “My mom’s always on the computer. I’m glad you let me come be with you.” Being present for my children made me available to other kids in my neighborhood. Oh, young mamas, please come home if you can. Our communities are falling apart without adult supervision. Your children will grow and go. Many. Meaningful. Moments. It’s the 3M tape that sticks hearts together.

Be Interested in Who They Are

It’s hard to like someone who isn’t interested in you. When I held my first baby, I wondered, “Who is this little person?” I studied each child the Lord entrusted to my care. That pursuit paid off. My middle daughter, Jenni, said, “You took interest and gave constructive criticism to my artistic pursuits.”

I also noticed the first time Jenni counted blocks at six months old. Before she knew the names of the numbers, Jenni knew precisely how many blocks the four-year-old had stolen off her walker tray. She hollered until the thief restored all four blocks. After earning a bachelor’s in accounting, Jenni became a lawyer. Today, she’s a major law firm partner, wheeling and dealing big money. Art provides her with relaxation. We love strolling art museums together.

I also spent hours reading to daughter number one, the bookworm. Today Rachel’s a present homeschool mom providing classical education for her five children. She and I both write. We exchange books and discuss what we’re learning together.

I cheered from the sidelines, encouraging my youngest, Anna, the athlete, to climb higher, run faster, and flip further. The daughter who appreciated my “wide lanes and bumpers” serves as a State Trooper.

Anna entered the academy, meeting the male fitness requirements! We love taking walks when we’re together. Lately, we visit a lot on FaceTime, discussing the challenges of a new baby.

These women are my heroes. I never imposed my dreams on them. I let my daughters be dreamers. Together we discovered who God intended them to be. And I’m very thankful they each choose to be my friend.

My Heros: Rachel, Anna, and Jenni!

Gaining a Grand Perspective: Three Questions I’m learning to ask myself

Faith, Family Life, grandparenting, Maturity, Motherhood, Trials / By / July 29, 2021 / , , , ,

Me and My Mini-Me

On Wednesday, July 13, 2011 (ten years ago today), a wee little girl came into the world thirteen weeks too soon. My first grandbaby nudged the scale needle to one pound fifteen ounces. She measured an inch taller than a Barbie doll—a mere13inches.

Agonizing suspense filled the months following her birth as she struggled to survive. The fragility and resilience of life amaze me even more now than then.

Today my first grandchild celebrates her birthday ten years later—strong, healthy, and average in size. You’d never know she started so small. She now enjoys the company of three siblings, and another baby should arrive in November—bringing the total number of children in that household to five.

So far, of my four grown children, only the oldest has kids. But that changes this year; her younger sister expects her first in December. Now, soon to be a grandmother of six with ten years of grandparenting under my belt, I reflect on how this decade shaped my perspectives.

Gaining Insight to Unfading Beauty

The news of my daughter expecting provoked me to reflect on my first memories of my grandmothers. As a child, I thought these women looked old (both were only forty-five when I came into the world). I realized for the first time that another person would see me as an older woman. My grandchildren would only know me with smile lines and silver strands running through my mane.

Only one of my grandmother’s lived long enough to see her great-great-grandchild’s entrance into the world. At the age of three, my granddaughter attended my grandmother’s 100th birthday. I remembered my impressions of my great-grandmothers. They looked ancient. But even though my grandma was now great twice—she looked grand to me.

From my perspective, Grandma appeared more joyful, more loving, more delighted in life than she’d ever been. Yes, she had more wrinkles, and her salt and pepper hair now sparkled like fresh snow. Yet, her love for people and life transformed my understanding of old. Time forges a timeless beauty in those who choose to love and live well to the end.

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Which mirror do I spend the most time in, the Bible or the bathroom?

Grasping the Elusiveness of Time

Do you remember turning ten? I remember the wonder of seeing that second digit when I wrote my age. I sensed new liberty—the freedom of being a big kid. I also remember each of my children turning ten.

When my first child turned ten, it felt like a milestone in mothering. When my last child turned ten, it struck me that an era just ended. No longer would babies and preschoolers populate my home (unless the Lord intervened and He did not).

Now my granddaughter joins the double-digit club; I realize decades feel more like days at this point in my life. My promotion from grandma to great-grandma (should the good Lord grant me that privilege) may be as close as a decade away.

When a baby turns one, a year equals one hundred percent of their life. At age ten, twelve months represent ten percent of that life span. When a person reaches sixty (as I have), a year diminishes to less than two percent of your life. Time grows shorter as we grow grand.

In this past decade, both a friend and I had heart attacks. He was four years my junior. Yet, he died. I survived. God determines the number of our days, and no one but God knows how many we will have. Let’s utilize the present well and learn to embrace the time God grants as a gift.

“So, teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Moses, Psalm 90:12

What’s happening right now, and how can I maximize this very moment?

Taking Nothing For Granted

Before my nest emptied, I took my children’s active presence for granted; after all, we lived together. Often in that busy window of my life, I felt overwhelmed. I just wanted a little me space. Now I have lots. My strong fledglings flew far.

Today they’re scattered from sea to shining sea; one lives close to the Atlantic, another on the Gulf of Mexico, daughter number three in the Pacific Northwest, then Uncle Sam took my one and only son to Gaum. Gathering this far-flung clan takes an act of Providence. Even our best attempts to plan fail at times, like Christmas 2020 when covid prevented our reunion.

My children enjoy visiting with us and each other, and we with them. My daughter and her husband go out of their way to make sure their kids develop a relationship with us. I no longer take their company for granted. It’s a precious, precarious blessing I enjoy.

I’ve lived long enough to know not every family enjoys such relationships. I know casualties of family feuds. I’ve shed tears with women estranged from their offspring, forbidden time with their grandchildren. These women loved God. They loved their families. What happened? Only the Almighty knows.

I’ve seen parents outlive children. We live in a broken world. At my age, I see expectations often result in disappointment. However, flexpectaions free me to enjoy what God grants—even when it’s not what I’d hoped for—like a covid Christmas.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

What is my response when life doesn’t go as I planned?

Becuase, it often doesn’t.

Young mamas, savor these busy days. Moments evaporate into memories faster than most women forget labor pains.

The Empty Nest, A New Adolescence

Faith, Family Life, Maturity, Motherhood / By / August 9, 2021 / , ,

Let the WONDER YEARS begin!

Attention moms of all ages: fledglings fly away. God designed it that way. The first high schooler to graduate in a family takes a mama by surprise. Any empty-nest mom can attest to the reality that her children grew and flew in the blink of an eye.

It seems we finish getting our offspring through their teenage years, and we find ourselves in quiet houses with empty bedrooms. Then we discover a strange irony, on the heels of their adolescence, we find ourselves in the second season of adjustments that feels eerily familiar.

Adolescence is fraught with as much anxiety. I have yet to meet an adult who wants to relive that period of life. Yet, middle-age is much like a second adolescence—a time grown-ups must, again, grow up. My twenties felt like the infancy of adulthood. Then the thirties and forties passed like the golden years of childhood—a delightful busy season. However, once your hit fifty or sixty, parenting demands slow way down, and the physical changes of menopause assault our bodies.

Winkles replace pimples. The wiry, silver strands of hair bring back bad hair day memories from junior high. Now we have a new mane to tame. In our first puberty, we experienced the new sensations of sexual maturity. But in menopause, many women struggle with enjoying sex at all. The friction of intercourse inflicts discomfort on drying vaginal tissue, growing pains, not of a maturing body, but of a deteriorating body.

Then, as if the physical challenges aren’t enough, there’s the uncertainty of what do we do now that kids aren’t consuming all our[tg1]  time? Believe it or not, this is the upside of adolescence—the wonder years as an 80’s television show describes it (this series followed three friends through junior high into high school). During pubescence, children, on the verge of adulthood, brim with potential. They dream great dreams. Every aspect of personal responsibility and independence appears like the promised land of freedom. Every new sensation thrills their maturing bodies and awaking sensuality. Every emotion intensifies—just like in menopause.

So, what’s a woman to do in this second season of wonder years? Dream again. Many people achieve their most significant accomplishments in their last years. That gives me hope. I can do more, be better, and accomplish good things. As long as I’m living, God has a plan for me—good works to do. As long as I abide in the Vine, I can be productive, fruitful. So, let the wonder years commence.

The greatest wonder of all—the upside of adolescence—it ends with a new maturity. I need that perspective. When I finish growing up this time, I’ll be complete. God will be finished with me, and I’ll never have to go or grow through adolescence again.

“So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

If you’re a young woman, what dreams do you have for the end of your life (dream big)?

If you’re my age and find yourself struggling through your second adolescence, what good work does God want you to be pursuing?

If you’re in an earlier stage of life, start jotting down ideas of things you could accomplish if you had more free time because the time is coming. Blessed is the woman who lives her life in phases and enjoys each one.

A Mama’s Empty Arms: When Mother’s Day Hurts

Family Life, Motherhood / By / July 29, 2021 / , , ,

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I pleaded as I sat on my toilet, “Please, please, God, let me keep this one. I can’t bear to lose this baby too!” (Nine months before, my first child was stillborn).

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His Spirit whispered, “My grace is sufficient.”

In rebellion, I yelled, “I don’t want your grace! I want a baby!”

Thirty years later, I watched in horror as my daughter came close to bleeding to death during a miscarriage. I knew her pain but compounding that was the threat of losing yet another child of my own.

On Mother’s Day, my heart goes out to all the moms who bear the weight of empty arms. For women who long for a child—no burden compares to this heaviness. I think of my young friend who wears a bracelet of birthstone charms signifying the miscarriages of her upheld babies. I weep with a sister in Christ who buried her ten-year–old after losing the fight with a long illness. Two older friends come to mind as they grieve for their sons, lost to suicide. Finally, I consider so many women who desire children but are unable to conceive. Yes, you too belong to the Mamas with Empty Arms Club.

It’s not a group we joined on purpose. Yet, for reasons unknown to us, God allows us admission. And despite the horrible circumstances, we find ourselves in good company. Hannah, an ancient Hebrew woman, felt this weight. “the Lord had closed her womb.” 1 Samuel 1:5. Rachel screamed in desperation to her husband, “Give me children, or else I die!”

Jacob responded, “Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?” Genesis 30:1-2. The Bible confronts us with the harsh reality that God opens and closes our wombs. Scripture defines Him as the Lord of life. During her grief, a woman can wonder, ”Does God even care?”

He does. “He grants the barren woman a home, Like a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!” If a deep maternal instinct drives you, God will provide some for you to love and nurture. If you grieve the loss of a child, your heavenly Father knows your pain. He watched His son die too.

Hannah and many other women in Scripture remind us, even in our bareness, God loves us. He counts us worthy of His care and companionship. Despite my screams at His gentle reminder—when I rejected His grace—God never abandoned me. He tenderly led me back to His presence, to worship.

We need to remember Hannah’s example of dealing with her empty arms. She threw herself boldly at God’s mercy seat to find help in her time of need. Unfortunately, others misunderstood her—but not God. I encourage you to read her story in 1Samuel, chapter one.

Hannah reminds us our children belong to the Lord, not us. Therefore, we must offer up our empty arms for His glory and trust Him to be our comforter. And we must remember our tears so that we can weep with those who mourn, as I grieve with you today (2 Corinthians 1:4; Romans 12:15b). May the Lord hold you close when Mother’s Day hurts.