forbearance

**Vulnerabili*tea**

Community, Faith, forbearance, Knowing God, Teatime Qualities / By teri / August 8, 2023 July 25, 2023 / be gentle, fragile, vunerable

chamomile, camomile flowers, camomile tea-335646.jpg

vuln*er*a*bili*tea /ˌvəl-n(ə-)rə-ˈbi-lə-tē / noun 1. the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally while self-medicating with a cup of chamomile.

People with life-threatening injuries and illnesses are acutely aware of something that most of us forget—human frailty. Our bodies and minds are resilient and fragile, strong and weak, shielded and vulnerable—what a fantastic paradox we are—like ceramic pots.

My daughter Anna brought back gifts from Costa Rica, including some “indestructible” pots. The street merchant banged them against his table to demonstrate the strength of his merchandise. An excited Anna explained his sales pitch and struck one on a table; it cracked.

pottery, souvenir, traditional-3242491.jpg

Patsy Clairemont describes herself as a cracked pot and invites us to be honest and acknowledge that we’re broken too. Sin makes cracked pots of us all. In Scripture, we read, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.” (2 Corinthians 4:7). God gets more glory working through our weaknesses than through our strengths. He wants us to hide in Him because we are so vulnerable. And our ancient foe likes knocking cracked pots off the shelf because he wants to break us and extinguish the Light.

I recently attended a large writers’ conference and found myself battling insomnia. Each night of the meeting, I slept 3 hours or less; by day three, I was well aware of my frailty.

I’m a thick-skinned, transparent extrovert, and without any filter, I can be flat-out obnoxious. My unbridled tongue kept sparking wildfires because I am not a perfect woman (James 3:2, 5 – 6). I didn’t mean to be unkind with my words. I don’t intentionally hurt people, but without enough sleep to be fully alert, Satan had a heyday with me and offend people I did.

I praise God that He knows my frame. He gets that I’m a dirt clod, and He faithfully picks me up and cleanses me off again and again. I love Psalm 103:10 – 14.

baby's hand, newborn, small hand-3771123.jpg

“He has not treated us as our sins deserve or paid us back for our offenses,
His mercy toward those who fear him is as far above earth as heaven.
He has removed our sins from us as far as the east is from the west.

Just as a father has compassion on his children,
Adonai has compassion on those who fear him.
For he understands how we are made, he remembers that we are dust.” (CJB)

I’m glad He remembers I’m broken and doesn’t give up on repairing me. We must be mindful—whether we feel fragile or not—we are. Our first parents were vulnerable to Satan’s attacks in a perfect paradise even though God was a breath away. He’s still a breath away. Let’s learn to call on Him; depend on Him.

Most of all, remember that the annoying person in the room is just as vulnerable as us. Let’s be gracious to each other. In the Gospels, we learn Jesus instructed the disciples to buy swords. They told Jesus they had two, and He said that would do. Peter brought one along to the garden of Gethsemane and hacked the ear off the High Priest’s servant defending Jesus. Like Peter, we often confuse when to act and speak with when to restrain ourselves. Just like Jesus healed the soldier’s ear and told Peter to put the sword away, I trust Him to heal the ears and hearts of those I hurt.

Jesus can fix all the problems cracked pots and ailing people make. In our vulnerability, He still loves us and continues to grow and use us. I love this acronym P.B.P.G.I.F.W.M.Y. on a button I received at a Bill Gothard seminar in the 1980s. It stands for please, be patient; God isn’t finished with me yet. So, I’m drinking chamomile to be calm because Jesus will carry on!

Expensive Reminders

1 Comment / Community, Family Life, forbearance, forgiveness, friendship, humility, Marriage, Motherhood, patience, repentance / By teri / July 11, 2023 July 11, 2023 / communication, human-frailty, people are fragile, unreasonable expectations

Don’t Force It!

I yanked the hose hard. I heard a thud mixed with the tinkling sound of shattered porcelain. I went and looked; sure enough, I had knocked down the side table my Bible, journal, glasses, and tea mug sat on. My heart sank as I picked up the pieces of the broken masterpiece. This mug was part of a set of four Claude Monet cups my daughter had given me for Christmas—a treasured gift. This one had been my favorite, Woman with Parasol. It reminded me of my great-grandmother Burton.

How many times did I hear my mom and dad caution me, “Don’t force it, Teri; you’ll break it?” How often have I given that same advice to my children and husband? If I had a penny for each time, I bet I could buy a replacement mug or a whole new set. Holding the fractured portrait in my hand reminded me people are fragile too. We can’t force them to be who they aren’t. We can’t force them to understand us or meet our expectations. When we do, the results hurt more than losing a mug.

Just yesterday, I yanked my husband too hard. I felt fragile and in need of empathy. I thought I had made myself clear. I’d been feeling this way on and off for two weeks, but yesterday—his day off—I expected some undivided attention. I waited until we went for lunch. He commented he was stuffy. I knew that. I even suspected he had a cold, not just allergies like he thought. Yet, I persisted to let him know how I felt. He didn’t get it. Most of us have trouble understanding when our heads are stuffy. He kept missing ques, and I got angry. At one point, I called him a bonehead. There’s no excuse for name-calling, even if it is descriptive. We worked through the tension. I confessed my unrighteous anger; he confessed his insensitivity. This conflict isn’t our first rodeo in forty years; we’ll keep working through our boneheaded moments because that’s what love does.

With patience and persistence, we can grow in understanding others, and they grow in understanding us. Faithful friends don’t dash our expectations on purpose. My dad used to tell my mom when he failed her expectations, “I fail telepathy.” Few are telepaths that can read minds. Most of us need clear articulation and repeated patient instruction.

If I had only gone back and checked to see what the hang-up with the hose was, I would not have shattered a mug. Today if we’re struggling in a relationship, let’s quit yanking others around to get us. Let’s treat them like Bone China not boneheads. Let’s go back to trying to understand them and gently explaining what we want from them. Let’s take these reminders from Scripture to heart today:

“A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.” Proverbs 18:2

“He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.” Proverbs 18:13

^“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man (and woman) does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

Humili*Tea: Serving a Second Cuppa

celebrations, Community, Faith, forbearance, forgiveness, humility, Knowing God, Maturity, Spiritual warfare / By teri / February 21, 2023 February 20, 2023 / humiliation, humility, National BE HUmble Day

/(h)yo͞oˈmilədē/ noun: 1. a modest opinion of one’s own importance, 2. an absence of pride or self-assertion, 3. To accept, with gratitude, a cup of coffee when you’d prefer tea (or vice versa. Teri’s 2022 definition), 4. The cup of tea you drink after you’ve acquired the taste for humble pie (Teri’s 2023 definition).

Happy National Be Humble Day!

(celebrated every year on February 22^nd)

I confess I suffer from the self-inflicted wounds of pride. I confess my pride injures those around me. That’s why humility may become an annual tea party on my website in February. God loves me and has dished me up slices of humble pie in so many flavors that God’s recipes make Baskin Robins look like a vanilla ice cream shop. And by His grace, I’ve acquired a taste for this painful pastry that most people detest.

Through God’s chastening, patience, and love, I have learned to embrace the things that keep my pride in check. Have you?

The canyon between humility and humiliation spans the distance between Heaven and hell. These two things are polar opposites. Humiliation is the awful feeling of shame and failure. It is God’s great blow to the arrogant (Psalm 119:21). God humiliates the proud. When He does, there are two responses: sparks of anger, self-justification, and retaliation or contrition and repentance, which is God’s preferred result. God humiliates to produce humility.

Humility, on the other hand, reveals the confidence of the righteous. Humility receives correction with gratitude (Proverbs 12:1 & 15:10). It secures a believer in the fact that God works all things—even humiliating things—for our good. It is the confidence that every trial perfects our patience and equips us to serve others more effectively.

Humiliation may lead to humility, but it is not the same thing. To feel humiliated and never humbled creates a living hell for the arrogant and everyone around them.

Humility knows there are no second-class saints; they don’t view other sinners as less than or unworthy of compassion. The humble realize the seed for every sin rests in their soul; like St. Paul, they claim they are the chief of all sinners ( 1 Timothy 1:15). Christ displayed perfect humility when He laid down His life for us (Romans 5:8).

The humble make peace. The humiliated stir up strife with anger (Proverbs 15:18).

Do we feel humbled or humiliated by degrading circumstances or admonishment? Trust me, if you don’t learn to enjoy humble pie, our Father will keep serving you slices in unending flavors. Take these lessons to heart on Be Humble Day. Let’s not eat any more humble pie than we have to.

To feel humiliated is human.

To be humbled is divine.

The Joys of keeping Covenant

celebrations, Faith, Family Life, forbearance, forgiveness, Knowing God, Marriage, Spiritual warfare / By teri / January 10, 2023 January 3, 2023

I Do Means I Only Do You, and You Only Do Me

`till Death Do Us Part.

Two days ago, my husband and I marked the forty-year milestone in our marriage—a ruby anniversary. That’s right; the 40th anniversary is the ruby anniversary. I wonder if that makes me a real-life Proverbs 31 woman. After forty years of marriage, am I worth more than rubies? Our anniversary celebration brought back bitter-sweet memories of planning a surprise party for my parents’ 40^th in 2000, twenty-three years ago.

My parents, David and Janet Donaldson, May 2000.

I’m so thankful God put it on my heart to do this for them. I called all their friends and relatives from across the country and invited everyone. I asked those who couldn’t come to please send a card. My folks had no idea what I’d been up to. The looks on their faces were priceless. My parents never celebrated a 50th. My dad passed away six years later at the age of 67. So young!

My husband turned 67 a few months ago. We realize life comes with no guarantees, so we threw a big ruby bash with a 1940s ruby slipper vibe. We’ve spent the last decade living in Kansas, and no doubt my “red shoes encouraged, but not required” personal comment to family members and a few friends met Dorothy’s approval.

My middle daughter gifted me with a stunning, custom-designed red satin dress. I had been looking online for a new affordable dress, and she said, “No, Mom. It’s like a second wedding dress. I want it to be special.”

More remarkable than her expensive present was the clean feeling of fidelity my husband and I share. I did not wear white to our wedding forty years ago because the chastity it symbolizes was not mine to give. I didn’t come to Jesus as a virgin and would not misrepresent myself in a covenant ceremony. By God’s grace, I am a chaste bride.

Celebrating our 25th anniversary, I wore a white and silver top. All of our children were single in 2008.

While wearing this “second wedding dress” brings me joy, honesty brings me even greater pleasure. My husband and I speak honestly and openly about our sexual relationship. It was not always that way. We both carried baggage into our marital bed; most people do. Even virgins can struggle to find or give marital pleasure to one another. If only we were honest! We could learn to cry and pray with our spouses as we work out these difficulties. Bill and I learned to do that, and you can too!

Celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary in forties fashion!

Then there’s the joy of holiness. Chaste couples enjoy the pleasure of worship in their marriage bed. God intended sexual intimacy between a husband and wife to culminate in fireworks and out-of-body ecstasy. It may not happen every time, but when it does, my hubby and I are not the only ones saying, “That was good!” The Lord declares, “It is good,” too.

Intimacy creates a safe place to find joy. To share yourself, and expose yourself unashamed with the only person you trust implicitly for a lifetime, satisfies a soul more than the world’s cheap imitation.

Our bodies change over time; we will never be as firm and attractive as we were in our 20s and 30s. Fidelity develops a more profound attraction over time. The covenant commitment makes wrinkles appear softer, flab appear firmer, and even sag seems sumptuous. Fidelity in lifelong matrimony is magic, sheer miraculous joy!

Bill and Teri with their youngest two grandbabies.

Let’s keep our vows. Let’s live in the joy of fidelity God intends for us. It’s not easy, and sometimes we need help. Bill and I sought counseling when we sometimes struggled to be mutually satisfied in our marriage bed.

If you are struggling in your marriage, seek godly Biblical counseling. Let someone help you and your husband learn to enjoy what God intended for your pleasure. And if you or your spouse have violated your covenant through adultery, don’t despair. I repeat. Do. Not. Despair! Our God provides forgiveness and restoration. He pursues His unfaithful bride. The Lord even called the prophet Hosea to marry the prostitute, Gomer, to illustrate His unfailing love and forgiveness. By God’s grace, He restores even the most hopeless relationships and helps us forgive sins that seem unforgivable.

It is a new year. Let’s celebrate with a renewed commitment to fidelity.

If you’re struggling and want me to pray confidentially for you, please email me at [email protected].

Lord, let the wonder of Your unfailing love shine into a world that desperately needs to understand the joys of staying married. Let our marriages reflect the beauty of our covenant-keeping Savior.

5 Rules of Listening for When We Don’t Like What We Hear

1 Comment / forbearance, grandparenting, Maturity, Trials / By teri / August 23, 2022 June 4, 2022 / gracious listener, listening, receiving critisism, taking advice

What?!

My daughter’s new boyfriend decided to T.P. our house. We chuckled at his display of affection, but my teenage daughter’s amusement turned to groans as I delegated the clean-up to her. I suggested she recruit the culprit for help.

It helps to think of unwanted advice and criticism as verbal toilet papering. Well-meaning people toss these words our way to show they care. Unfortunately, we’re more inclined to dodge their comments as if they were sticks and stones. While pranksters squander yards of toilet paper, words are only wasted when they fall on deaf ears.

“The ear that hears the rebukes of life will abide among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.” Proverbs 15:31 – 32. Intelligent people consider even unsolicited advice and warnings.

Rule 1. Listen! Instead of deflecting and rejecting unpleasant counsel, let’s hear and understand. Invite the person into the conversation, like I told my daughter to ask her boyfriend to help her clean up. Take time to understand what the other person meant. Sometimes we misinterpret things. What we heard may not be what they said. Even if we find someone’s advice not applicable to our present situation, we may find it helpful in the future. Listening and learning are marks of wisdom.

Rule 2. Listen in Love! “Owe no one anything except to love one another,” Romans 13:8. When someone comes to us with unwanted words (notice I said when not if because it will happen), we owe it to them to treat them in love. “Love is patient, kind, …is not provoked, thinks no evil,…bears all things” (1Corinthians 13:4,5,7), such as hurtful words and annoying advice. How do we want to be received when we share our thoughts with another? Jesus expects us to receive comments from others the way we want our words received.

Rule 3. Listen with Gratitude! “Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” Proverbs 27: 5, 6. With friends like that, who needs enemies, right? Wrong! Enemies don’t care. Enemies won’t bother with you. They want to see us fail. The rest of Proverbs 27:6 says, “But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” People who tell us we’re fine when we’re not or have an idea how to remedy our problem but don’t tell us are not helpful. Wouldn’t you rather have someone try to help and fail than fail even to try? Be thankful for people who care enough to say something, even if it is the wrong thing.

Rule 4. Listen in Humility! I touched on this in the first rule, but it bears deeper consideration. “Hurt does not equal harm” (source unknown). As we read in Proverb 27, wounds from a friend are faithful, not fatal. I know that when my feelings are hurt, it’s usually because my pride is injured. When my feathers get ruffled, I need to pluck them off.

The adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” was taught to children so that they would learn that being hurt by words is a choice. We can choose not to take offense. We can choose to disregard insults. We can choose to overlook a person’s clumsy attempts to be helpful. But these choices require humility.

Truth spoken in love can hurt. Being told we’re wrong hurts, but pain that prompts us to repent promotes healing. “Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God… gives grace to the humble.” 1Peter 5:5

Rule 5. Listen as a Steward! What do we do with these unpleasant words? We own them for God’s glory. Let’s pray through unwanted words and ask God to show us if there’s any truth in them. Digesting unwanted words in prayer is a lot like eating chicken. Thank God for His provision, then chew the meat and spit out the bones. Like poultry feeds our bodies, listening prayerfully to unwanted counsel will nourish our souls. It may be that the person who spoke to us is God’s messenger, after all.