friendship

Diving In

1 Comment / Community, Faith, friendship, humility, Spiritual warfare / By teri / August 22, 2023 August 19, 2023 / courage, fear bravely, new challenges, scary challenges

By guest blogger Dana C. Krueger, PhD.

Fear Bravely! Go for it!

I’m blessed with brilliant sisters in Christ. As I shared my travel/ blogging dilemma with Dana Krueger, she suggested I recruit guest bloggers when my schedule is demanding. I asked if she’d be willing to contribute to my blog, and she agreed. I know you will enjoy Dr. Krueger’s encouraging words to move into the challenge God has set before you bravely.

I leaned over and told my ten-year-old friend that I was now committed as she took her place in line behind me.

My heart pounded harder as I slowly ascended each step of the high dive. I remembered climbing ladders without this apprehension. What was scarier about this vertical ascent? I reached the top and began to walk to the edge of the diving board, holding on securely to the silver railings with both hands. I looked down at the man in the water who had jumped before me as he swam to the side and then to the lifeguard. My nearsighted eyes didn’t see the head on the red swimsuit nod or give any indication that I may proceed. Perhaps it was okay for me to stall? The blurry figure in the water climbed out of the pool.

Another step. I let go of the railings. The board wobbled. My feet neared the edge. Again, I looked down, seeing only a vague blur of blue with absolutely no sense of distance or depth. Was it safe? I knew it was, but what if I landed badly (not “look like an idiot” badly but “knock the wind out of this 45-year-old woman with a face-forward belly flop” badly)? I felt the breeze and another wobble. My breath caught in my chest.

My friend was behind me somewhere (I didn’t dare look!), patiently waiting her turn, so I knew I couldn’t back out. I didn’t really want to, even though I didn’t feel eager to jump. Okay, I was somewhat terrified to jump, and if she wasn’t there, I may have turned around. But she was there, and I had decided.

I decided.

I stepped off the board.

Another year of homeschooling is approaching. I’m in that same place, at the edge of the diving board, not knowing what’s below, heart thumping in my chest, and a very real inclination to turn back. Perhaps I can see barriers more clearly than my blurred vision from high above the pool. I know well the sounds of tantrums over a challenging subject or assignment, the sibling squabbles, my own struggles with diligence and distractions. I can’t distinguish the depth or distance of the challenges ahead this year, with a pre-teen daughter, a preschooler, three dear kiddos in between, a swirl of curriculum choices, and the pulls of many other responsibilities. My breath catches in my chest. The fear of going forward is real. The fear of failure is great. Is it safe? Can I do this? Really do this?

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I need a strong sense of calling to take that next step, to even set a start date that I will commit to. I need a friend by my side to keep me from turning back. I need to count the cost, moving forward even though there is that chance that I will fall flat on my face (again) and that it will be okay because God’s grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). I need to remember the many times the Lord has provided for, encouraged, humbled, and held me as I stepped forward in obedience. I need to prioritize school in a way I haven’t done before. I must simply decide and take that step off the ledge, trusting Him.

I have decided.

Back to the pool

I hit the water with a gentle splash without too much water going up my nose. I swam to the side of the pool, exhilarated and feeling like I had conquered something inside me. (After all, last year, without anyone behind me, I climbed back down the ladder on my last trip to the pool.)

Returning to the homeschool challenge

A gracious friend handed me a box packed with old curriculum guides and many books to let me school alongside her, providing accountability and giving our kids common books to discuss. The Lord has provided a job for me that will allow me to buy the needed books that we weren’t able to purchase even a few years ago. That strong calling is there as I see the need to disciple my children and desire to teach them well and joyfully explore with them.

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I’m not in a place where I feel I can dive into the pool or teaching or most things with complete confidence and without fear. I hope to get there, but now? Now I can hold my breath and jump. I can walk off that board in surrender and faith, knowing that, while it may not be entirely safe, my Jesus is there. I can fear bravely, knowing how worthy He is, and take that step.

What current challenge frightens you? Let’s prayerfully, fearfully, be brave, and move forward together!

Here goes!

Expensive Reminders

1 Comment / Community, Family Life, forbearance, forgiveness, friendship, humility, Marriage, Motherhood, patience, repentance / By teri / July 11, 2023 July 11, 2023 / communication, human-frailty, people are fragile, unreasonable expectations

Don’t Force It!

I yanked the hose hard. I heard a thud mixed with the tinkling sound of shattered porcelain. I went and looked; sure enough, I had knocked down the side table my Bible, journal, glasses, and tea mug sat on. My heart sank as I picked up the pieces of the broken masterpiece. This mug was part of a set of four Claude Monet cups my daughter had given me for Christmas—a treasured gift. This one had been my favorite, Woman with Parasol. It reminded me of my great-grandmother Burton.

How many times did I hear my mom and dad caution me, “Don’t force it, Teri; you’ll break it?” How often have I given that same advice to my children and husband? If I had a penny for each time, I bet I could buy a replacement mug or a whole new set. Holding the fractured portrait in my hand reminded me people are fragile too. We can’t force them to be who they aren’t. We can’t force them to understand us or meet our expectations. When we do, the results hurt more than losing a mug.

Just yesterday, I yanked my husband too hard. I felt fragile and in need of empathy. I thought I had made myself clear. I’d been feeling this way on and off for two weeks, but yesterday—his day off—I expected some undivided attention. I waited until we went for lunch. He commented he was stuffy. I knew that. I even suspected he had a cold, not just allergies like he thought. Yet, I persisted to let him know how I felt. He didn’t get it. Most of us have trouble understanding when our heads are stuffy. He kept missing ques, and I got angry. At one point, I called him a bonehead. There’s no excuse for name-calling, even if it is descriptive. We worked through the tension. I confessed my unrighteous anger; he confessed his insensitivity. This conflict isn’t our first rodeo in forty years; we’ll keep working through our boneheaded moments because that’s what love does.

With patience and persistence, we can grow in understanding others, and they grow in understanding us. Faithful friends don’t dash our expectations on purpose. My dad used to tell my mom when he failed her expectations, “I fail telepathy.” Few are telepaths that can read minds. Most of us need clear articulation and repeated patient instruction.

If I had only gone back and checked to see what the hang-up with the hose was, I would not have shattered a mug. Today if we’re struggling in a relationship, let’s quit yanking others around to get us. Let’s treat them like Bone China not boneheads. Let’s go back to trying to understand them and gently explaining what we want from them. Let’s take these reminders from Scripture to heart today:

“A fool has no delight in understanding, But in expressing his own heart.” Proverbs 18:2

“He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.” Proverbs 18:13

^“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man (and woman) does not produce the righteousness of God.” James 1:19-20

Grow Grand, Get Rich!

contentment, Faith, Family Life, friendship, Knowing God, Maturity / By teri / October 4, 2022 September 24, 2022 / eternal investments, friendship, get rich, investments, lasting investments, real wealth, wealth

Choose True Wealth

An excerpt from Teri’s new book Choose Now to Grow Grand, Not Old on SALE now for 50% off until October 31st!

The love we give to others, the influence for good we have in another’s life, and the deep, meaningful friendships we make by investing and taking an interest in people; this is the wealth I want to accumulate. It means I must be aware of the people around me and learn to anticipate their needs. It means I need to make an effort to remember names. It amazes me how a stranger serving me responds with delight when I read their name tag and address them by name. We all long for appreciation as an individual who matters. When we choose to learn someone’s name, it speaks volumes to them. I discovered this when Bill and I came to Grace Baptist Church.

Before moving to Kansas, I got a copy of the church’s picture directory and began studying it. I looked at the faces of people I’d never met and prayed for each one by name. The Lord blessed that effort. Over and over again, different members of Grace shared their surprise at how quickly Bill and I remembered their names. They were impressed with how many other people we remembered and knew. All I can say is that I made a small effort, but God multiplied the results. He gets the glory!

God reveals His heart for people by knowing the number of hairs on our heads and knitting each one of us in our mother’s womb. By declaring us His image-bearers, He valued people above all other created beings. The Lord deems us worthy of a priceless redemption bought by the blood of Christ. He paid top dollar for broken merchandise. Now, if that doesn’t make us feel loved, nothing will. And if that doesn’t motivate us to see the value of others, nothing else can. Since God finds people that worthwhile, shouldn’t we? Simple practices like remembering birthdays, favorite colors, and food preferences honor people. Understanding their goals, sorrows, and fears reveals how much we value them. Relationships—thriving, loving relationships—make us truly wealthy.

Let’s grow grand in our relationships by accumulating friends and investing in people. Let’s not be misers when it comes to being generous with people. Let’s get really rich!

How to Raise a Friend

Community, Family Life, friendship, Motherhood / By teri / July 26, 2022 June 4, 2022 / daughters, friendship with children, mother daughter relationship, National Friendship Day

The National Friendship Day 2022 is on August 7th

My heart aches for moms and daughters who are estranged. How can I help prevent this? What encouragement can I share with young moms so they will enjoy friendships with their children when they’re grown? I decided to ask the experts: three of my closest friends who happen to be my daughters. “What did I do as a parent that paved the way for the close relationships we enjoy today?”

Know the Goal

Anna, my youngest daughter (she’s a new mom), responded first. “When we were adolescents, you told us that you were raising adults, not children.”

Young mom, begin with the end in mind.

Our job is to work ourselves out of a job. We must prepare our offspring to become responsible adults. Grownups should get up and go to work—on their own—understand how to manage money, be good citizens, and someday good parents for our grandchildren.

As moms of infants and toddlers, we spend so much time keeping them close, not letting them out of our sight. It’s easy to forget that, at some point, we need to let them run ahead without us. Hovering too close, like a helicopter, whips a lot of wind. That force either pushes children away or beats them down. Moms, let’s give them the space and lift they need to launch.

Teach children to do things for themselves. One of my favorite mom moments was a phone call from daughter number two at the end of her first year of college. “Mom, I’m so glad you made me learn to do things for myself! I’ve spent all week helping girls who have no clue how to do anything for themselves.” The college she chose was 3,000 miles from home. Before she left, I walked Jenni through making plane reservations and helped her decide what to bring and how to pack everything. She already knew how to navigate an airport. When we flew together as a family, I’d point out how to read arrival and departure boards. Our job is to teach them to leave.

Anna also said, “You gave us bumpers and a wide lane.” Godly parents set boundaries that leave room for children to fail. Choices have consequences. If we create a narrow rut by always choosing for them, children won’t learn how to choose. They need a wide lane.

Boundaries serve to keep children from fatal harm, not failure. Let your kid forget their coat or shoes once in a while. I know a mom who made her forgetful, barefoot child use his allowance to buy flip-flops instead of a new toy. Failure is not an enemy; failure is a teacher.

Insulating children from the consequences of their choices disables them. Children need boundaries enforced, and enforcers are rarely popular. Let your kids take a low or failing grade on an exam. Let them forget to do a chore. Instead of nagging, let them feel the sting of laziness as they hit the bumper of working to bring that grade up or lose a privilege. Bumpers keep kids out of the gutters. My friend used to say, “I spank my kids so society doesn’t have to.” Sometimes you have to be the joy-killer to be a good parent. Raising happy children may be the world’s goal, but it’s not the goal of godly parents.

“I hate you!” screamed each of my children more than once. I’d always reply, “I still love you, and you still need to obey.” When my children balked at consequences, I reminded them, “The goal of all discipline is self-discipline. If you don’t want (fill in the blank: time out, a spanking, grounding), then don’t disobey.”

If you want your children to be your friends as adults, quit trying to be their best buddy before they grow up. Parent your children while they’re young, so they can grow into adults who choose to be your friends. Keep in mind that a vital part of this is being present for your children.

Be Present and Available

More important than being popular with your kids is being present. My oldest daughter, Rachel, said, “You were always around and willing to hang out.” You can’t develop a relationship with someone if you don’t spend time with them. Hurry consumes far too much family time. We rush our kids from one activity to another, packing the calendar with events and obligations. As a result of providing opportunities—some for them, some for us—we crowd out room to rest, to just be together.

Doing nothing is essential; God ordained Sabbath.

It refreshes our patience with our children. We can welcome their interruptions and invite them into our work, so they’re learning new skills.

A neighborhood girl was a frequent visitor to our home. One day as she helped me garden, she said, “My mom’s always on the computer. I’m glad you let me come be with you.” Being present for my children made me available to other kids in my neighborhood. Oh, young mamas, please come home if you can. Our communities are falling apart without adult supervision. Your children will grow and go. Many. Meaningful. Moments. It’s the 3M tape that sticks hearts together.

Be Interested in Who They Are

It’s hard to like someone who isn’t interested in you. When I held my first baby, I wondered, “Who is this little person?” I studied each child the Lord entrusted to my care. That pursuit paid off. My middle daughter, Jenni, said, “You took interest and gave constructive criticism to my artistic pursuits.”

I also noticed the first time Jenni counted blocks at six months old. Before she knew the names of the numbers, Jenni knew precisely how many blocks the four-year-old had stolen off her walker tray. She hollered until the thief restored all four blocks. After earning a bachelor’s in accounting, Jenni became a lawyer. Today, she’s a major law firm partner, wheeling and dealing big money. Art provides her with relaxation. We love strolling art museums together.

I also spent hours reading to daughter number one, the bookworm. Today Rachel’s a present homeschool mom providing classical education for her five children. She and I both write. We exchange books and discuss what we’re learning together.

I cheered from the sidelines, encouraging my youngest, Anna, the athlete, to climb higher, run faster, and flip further. The daughter who appreciated my “wide lanes and bumpers” serves as a State Trooper.

Anna entered the academy, meeting the male fitness requirements! We love taking walks when we’re together. Lately, we visit a lot on FaceTime, discussing the challenges of a new baby.

These women are my heroes. I never imposed my dreams on them. I let my daughters be dreamers. Together we discovered who God intended them to be. And I’m very thankful they each choose to be my friend.